Im a horrible mom, right?

Hey bloggers and friends! I know I dont get on much, its kind of hard with a crazy 9 month old! :) Bentley has been doing SO good! He just got over a nasty cold and is back to his normal self again. The other night he had eaten some bread that had butter in it, so he had a bad upset tummy. it was sad to see :( Hmm, what else is new? OH, he has 6 teeth now, and is trying to walk! not bad for almost being 9 months old!

So tonight I just want to give a shout out to my mommies that have been called horrible, selfish, insensitive moms. Im hoping that this post makes you just a little bit stronger in how you parent YOUR children. (Thats going to be the key word in this post.)

When Bentley was about 3.5 weeks old, he was almost an unbearable child. He would scream for hours at a time from being allergic to milk. It was absolutely horrible. I was at my moms house and we both just had no idea what to do. so we tried a few different things to try to help his poor little tummy. One of those things that actually helped a bit was RICE CEREAL. thats my #1 horrible parent moment. I gave my son cereal before he was 6 months old because, at the time, it was about the only thing that seemed to help his little tummy feel better. (and just an FYI, doctors will recommend cereal before meds for acid reflux for babies under 6 months, just a little tip!)

I bet youll never guess what #2 is. YEP, those of you who guessed "force feeding" my child, youre right! since I fed Bentley cereal at a month old I obviously had to do it somehow since he didnt know how to eat from a spoon yet. Force feeding is what people call feeding your child cereal through a bottle with a cross cut nipple. Boy, did he love that cereal bottle though!

So onto my #3 horrible parent moment. Feeding him solids before 4 months old! (and by solids I mean baby food). He just was not satisfied with his formula anymore. every time we ate he would scream because he wanted some, and that was before I had even given him food. they say you can give your baby solids from 4-6 months old (some parents will say absolutely NOT until at LEAST 6 months though, but its YOUR child not theirs.) So I gave him baby food. He was literally a few days (maybe a week) shy of 4 months old. People say feeding them too early will cause obesity. I personally believe that its not feeding them too early, its what you feed them, especially when theyre older. Mcdonalds every day? then expect an overweight child.

#4 was rocking him to sleep. I still do this. I LOVE that time with him and he loves it too. maybe it'll make him too dependent, maybe not. but I love this special time with him. He will only be this age ONCE. this is definitely a FAIL at parenting to some parents!

#5 is letting him cry it out at night in his crib. OK, I have to go into detail on this one. So Bentley is almost 9 months old and until now, he has NEVER been left to cry in his crib. I felt that since he was colicky I couldnt do that because I never knew if he was in pain or not, and I wouldnt want to leave him in there by himself in pain. But lately Bentley has been waking up at around 3 am and wanting to be up for an hour. (this is on top of him waking up 6 times every night) its absolutely exhausting. I know hes not starving and I know hes ok, so we decided to let him cry. I get that im a horrible parent for this, thats what this blog is about, no need to tell me again!

#6 is not getting Bentley vaccinated. DUN DUN DUNNNNN. this is probably the biggest NO NO on my list. Parents AND doctors both freak out on you for this decision. Luckily I have found a doctor that is ok with it (but I still got the lecture, which is ok!) I have been told Im insane for not vaccinating because Im putting the kids who are vaccinated at risk. Umm...HELLO! if vaccines do what theyre said to do, then how does that even make sense??? anyways, Bentley had a bad reaction to his 2 month shots and AFTER (I know, stupid parent decision) I researched them and didnt like what I read. So we decided he wasnt getting them. I, however, will not stop him from getting them if he wants them later in life. And just for the record, I do NOT criticize parents who want to vaccinate. (nor do I criticize them on anything else Im writing in this blog.)

#7 is (this is deep) getting him circumcised. Its in the bible, its something I DID research and its something we decided was necessary and what we wanted to do. NO its not like cutting off a finger, arm or nose (yes, I have heard all of those!) its skin. its like cutting off your skin, or the thing under your tongue that attaches your tongue to the bottom of your mouth. Its not a whole body part, just skin. It was our decision, just like it was to not vaccinate him because we make the decisions for him until he is 18. I still love him with all of my heart (and Ive been told that I dont love him because I altered his body, and on that, I call the BS card because no one knows my love for my son, and no one has the right to say I dont love him as much as I should.)

#8 is giving him formula instead of breast milk. Ok, during my whole pregnancy I hated the thought of breastfeeding, maybe because Im young, I dont know. But I was going to choose formula. and then I was criticized and called selfish so I decided to breastfeed. Well, when that time actually came it was a fail. and there were moms who told me I was wrong and I could have still breastfed but not one of those moms were in my situation. I had almost died during my c section, had to go through millions of tests, get a blood transfusion (which is not a walk in the park! they say it helps but its not fun.) and deal with a baby who would not breastfeed for the life of him. It was all too much. and look at my little chunker. hes a healthy baby and thats all I could have asked for.

there are probably more that I have failed at, but I cant think right now. Basically, YOU are the parent of YOUR child/children. there are always going to be parents and people who criticize and call you names when its come to your kids, but YOU have to do whats best for YOUR family. In the end, as long as your kids are healthy and not being abused, YOU DID GOOD! <3 thanks for reading, I thought I needed to speak up/

I have finally let it go and have learned to brush it off when people tell me how to raise my child. I think Im doing a pretty good job. Have a good night everyone! xoxo

My labor and delivery story! (its LONG!)

Hello bloggers!

I know its been a while since Ive posted, last time I was 35 weeks pregnant! :) This time, Bentley is exactly 4 months old today. He is the sweetest boy. So let me fill you in on our journey.

I was going to the birthing home and planning a sweet, calming water birth, but Bentley had other plans. When I was 41 weeks and 5 days pregnant, we went in to Sarasota Memorial Hospital to make sure my fluids werent low, and that everything was going good with Bentley. After they checked everything, they came back and said my fluids were low and that they wanted to induce me. My fluids were only at 4 so they werent extremely low, but at that point I just wanted to have a baby and meet Bentley. I also knew that he probably wouldnt come in the next 2 days, and if he didnt then I would have had to be induced anyways, so Neil and I decided to be induced.

They started the induction process at 1pm on Monday, April 9th with a drug called Cervadil. I didnt start feeling any contractions until around 6pm, though. When the contractions got worse, I could hardly stand them. I was told labor was going to feel like really bad cramps, but boy were those people wrong! They were like cramps, yea, times one MILLION. Finally, at 5am, they gave me an epidural and I was able to get maybe 2 or 3 hours of sleep (interrupted sleep, that is). At around 9:45 am I started pushing. Nothing was happening and Bentley was not progressing at all. I was trying to tell everyone in the room that I couldnt do it anymore (although, I probably would have said that even if I could have lol) so 2 hours later they prepped Neil and me for a c-section. At that point, I really didnt care that I was going to have major surgery, I just wanted my baby to be safe and healthy. 

When I got into the OR they upped my epidural dose (THANK GOODNESS) and started prepping me. Neil came in shortly after. While I was sitting there I asked one of the nurses how long it all would take. She told me it would be about 15 minutes until Bentley was born and then another 30 minutes until I was stitched up and in recovery. I thought, hey 45 min isnt too bad. When Bentley was born I was so happy, but SO exhausted. He was perfect. 8 lbs 15 oz and 22 in long. He did have a bad cone head though lol. Still an adorable baby! After they weighed him and wrapped him up, they took him up to the nursery and Neil went with him. After that I had passed out.

Im not sure how many times I actually woke up during this process of "30 minutes to stitch me up" but I remember waking up twice. One time I asked for water since I didnt have anything to eat or drink during labor (almost 24 hours!) and the nurse snapped and said "No water in the  OR. You can cry all you want but youre not getting water." At this point I didnt know what she meant by crying, because I wasnt, but I passed out again so it didnt really matter. The second time I woke up and asked for a cold wash cloth on my head and then passed out again. I was in surgery for about 4 hours. so much for 30 minutes! 

When I got to recovery, I was there for maybe 45 minutes before they let Neil come down. (Im just guessing because I couldnt stay awake in there either!) When I finally went to a room they told me that during surgery I had lost a lot of blood because I had a cervical tear (SORRY if its TMI, just telling the story :) ) Thats why I was in surgery for so long. They were going to give me a blood transfusion but decided not to at that point. I finally got to see Bentley about 6 hours after he was born. No matter how out of it I was, that was the happiest moment of my entire life. He was perfect. 

Fast forward to 2 days later. I had to go through a bunch of tests to make sure things were ok. They decided to give me a blood transfusion on the 2nd day, 3 bags of blood! ugh. Honestly, it was kind of gross watching someone elses blood go into my arm, but hey, if it was saving my life or making me better then so be it! We finally got to go home on Friday, April 13. Since then I have had multiple trips to the hospital, and all of them but one have been from having Bentley. I have at least 15 hospital bracelets (from me) in Bentley's remembrance box! 

So, thats my crazy labor and delivery story! After all of that, we got home and about a week later Bentley was extremely colicky. He would scream for hours at a time, non stop. I felt SO bad for him! He finally grew out of it though and now he is the best baby. Sure, he is needy and he wants to be held rather than play by himself, but I love holding and cuddling him. Being a mom is completely different than I had expected. Yes, to those who told me that and I said it was going to be easy, YOU, my friends, were right. I had never imagined having a difficult baby. I knew there would be hard times, but this is...just completely different. But, to say the least, I love this boy to the moon and back a million times. Hes my world. Even though we have already been through so much in the past 4 months, I wouldnt change anything. The past 4 months has made me who I am today and has given me my little monkey. 

Bentley Owen Walker, I love you so much little man! You complete my world and I will always be here for you no matter what! I love you with all of my heart. <3<3<3<3<3<3

Having a hard time.

Well, I am now 35 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Bentley is moving NON stop and I swear he's going to burst my bladder! I love feeling him move though. :) This pregnancy has been pretty hard. People say "enjoy it while you can" and I've been trying to but its been way harder than I thought. Now that all the headaches are gone I have horrible heartburn. I've been eating Tums like candy! But that's the least of my worries. at 29 weeks I developed what I hate to call PUPPPs or Pruritic Urticarial Papules and Plaques of Pregnancy. Basically, its a rash developed during pregnancy that is worse than poison ivy or the chickenpox and if you itch it, it spreads over your ENTIRE body! Luckily, Ive never itched it but then again Im not so lucky for that because its horrible and will not go away until Bentley is born! It keeps me up at night or if I have already fallen asleep it will wake me up! its horrible, but Im sticking it out for Bentley and NOT getting induced!


Anyways, I've also had another big problem this whole pregnancy. It seems like my decisions for MY son (which people don't seem to understand whose son he actually is..) have been judged and knocked down. I'm not going to mention any names, but every decision I've made or am going to make for him has been shot down and I've been called selfish for them all. At one point, it seemed like nothing I had planned for MY son was right and I was going to be SUCH a horrible parent. I was very depressed and upset about this through most of my pregnancy. I mean, how are you suppose to enjoy something when you're being called selfish and a horrible parent? It seemed almost impossible.



The sad part is that Ive had to let some relationships go because of some of their comments that just wouldnt go away and its really heartbreaking! I am a person who has a very hard time letting go of people and relationships, especially ones that have been there for such a long time! But I know God has a plan for me and my life and that letting those relationships go was just a small part of that plan.



Now, I am happy to say that things are looking up at Ive realized that there are SO many different parenting styles and NONE of them are wrong! Unless of course you're beating your child or causing them harm. Bentley will most definitely receive PLENTY of attention and love and will be cared for in the best way that I know how. I have learned that if you dwell on the negative comments that you will get no where and they will only make you angry. I have also learned that you just need to sit back, breathe and pray about it when someone tells you these mean or rude comments. praying can pretty much cure ANYTHING, even though some things take longer than others. I've learned to be patient and to say thank you to those who give their unwanted opinions and just let it go. Take the advice that is useful and put it to use, and discard all the other advice, no need to be upset about it :) 


I know that God is there for me and most of my family is too. I can get through the hard times with them. I have to say that my mom is a big part of this thinking. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in October of 2011 and it was very devastating. ever since then, she has gone through a serious of trials and tribulations and she has gotten through all of them with her head held high, knowing Jesus will take care of her. Shes had a smile on her face pretty much this whole time, even when not feeling well, she always has something positive to say. I know that I can learn from my mom and know that if I just trust in God and the power of prayer, I will get through all of the hard times in my life. The comments and remarks that Ive received are so small and I've learned to take what I can use and politely decline the others. 


Thank you mom, you're such an amazing person. Thank you for being there for me through everything! I love you and you're such a great role model! I know you will always be there for me and Bentley whenever we need anything and I am so thankful for that! I am so thankful to have you as my mom! <3

What I'm thankful for.

So, since Thanksgiving is right around the corner, I thought it would be a good time for a blog!


What am I thankful for? Here are just a few things:

First and foremost, I am thankful for my Lord and Savior! He has been so good to me and my family and I know He is always there to talk to. He has provided us with everything we need and more. I don't think I would be where I am today without believing in Him through the good times and the bad. He brought me my wonderful husband, my little baby boy, my family and my friends. He has made my life what it is today and I am so thankful that He is always there. I am lucky to know Him and have such a strong relationship with Him. I know that it gets stronger everyday. I am also lucky and thankful to know that He loves me SO very much, even more than I can and will ever understand. :)



Second I am thankful for my wonderful husband. He is truly amazing! He works so hard which allows me to stay home and not have to work. He is always there for me, through thick and thin and always says I love you even if were arguing. He is a man of God. He is faithful and will always be faithful to God and his marriage. He is going to be a wonderful daddy and I cannot wait to see him with Bentley. I am thankful that he loves me so much and shows it everyday. I know that he will always be there for me through thick and thin, and just like our vows said, "To have and to hold from this day (November 20th 2010) forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish, as long as we both shall live." I know that he honors these vows and always will and I am so very thankful to have him as my wonderful, Godly, caring, sweet and faithful husband! 

Third I would have to say my son, Bentley. Even though he is not born yet, I love him so much. Feeling his little kicks make me so happy. My hopes for him in the future are that he will be just like his daddy.  That he will love God and strive to be like him. That he will love and cherish his future wife. That he will always follow his heart and be a loving and kind little boy. I pray daily that he will be a man of God and as he gets older that he will see the importance of a strong relationship with the Lord. I pray that Neil and I will be great examples for him to do so. I am so thankful for this little boy and cant wait until he is born. 

Next is my family. I know I listed a few family members already but I have more family to list! I am so lucky to have a family like mine. They're all so loving, kind, caring and most importantly, Godly. They all have a heart after their Lord and Savior and it just amazes me. I have learned so much from them and am still learning. I am thankful for ALL of my family, but I have to list a few more.

I have to mention my mom specifically. She is the best mom I could ever have. She is so Godly and I am still learning how to love the Lord as much as she does! She is an amazing woman and I know she is always there for me. If I have a problem I know I can call her anytime and she will help me through it. She is also so caring about others and always wants to help in any way she can. I love that about her. She loves to give as much as she can and thinks of herself last and others first. Shes kind to everyone, but firm when she needs to be so she doesn't get trampled on! I am learning how to be like her in that way also! My mom is so much more than I have just described, but those are just a few things I love about her. I wouldn't be who I am today without her. I am very thankful for my mom!

So I'm going to still be stuck on family, but I have to include my Uncle Ron and Aunt Alecia. They are amazing people as well. They both have done soooo much for me I just cant think of any way to ever repay them. They are such giving people and Godly people as well. They do so much for everyone and also think of others first and themselves last. I just have to say, my wedding would not have been anything without them. They helped out so much! I know they love me and are like my second parents. I can call them in a time of need and know they are always there for me! They love their family and love God so much. I honestly don't know where Id be without them. I love them both so much and am so thankful they are in my life!

Ok next are my friends. My friends are amazing. I know that they will always be there for me whenever I need them. I have been through a lot with them and love them all so much! We have had crazy times together but are always there for each other. I am so thankful to have such great friends! I have to mention my best friend Elise. She is an awesome best friend. She always makes me laugh and knows how to cheer me up! Shes there for me whenever and through thick and thin. She knows everything about me and loves to help when she can! If Im having a bad day she knows how to make me laugh and for get about it. I dont know where Id be without her. She is so sweet, caring, kind and is has grown into such a Godly person. She is always happy and looks at the glass half full which I sometimes forget to do. and soon we will be MARRIED best friends!! I just have to say congrats to Jack and Elise on their engagement!! :) I am also thankful for Jack. I am so happy that Elise has found her soul mate and that he is also a very Godly person. He makes her so happy and I couldnt be happier for them. I love them both!

I am also very thankful for my new apartment! Well, I am thankful for any roof over my head which God has always provided for my family. Our new apartment is so perfect for us and we love it! I am so glad we have a nice place to live and enough food to eat every day.

I think the last thing I am thankful for is my amazing life. I wouldn't ask for a better one. I have an amazing God, a sweet and caring husband, a loving family, great friends, and a nice place to live. What else could I possibly ask for? My life is amazing and I wouldn't change it for anything.


P.S. The last last thing I'm thankful for is holidays with family and outdoor movie night at my aunt and uncles! :) I just had to add that.


Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! :)

Prayers!

Sooooo...as all of you probably know, my little kitty Baker was put to sleep Christmas day. It was such a struggle for us to put him down, but we did what was right for him. I felt that if I wouldnt have put him down, I would have been being selfish and only keeping him in this world for my own selfishness so I wouldnt be hurting and crying everyday. Im not sure if animals go to heaven or not, but if they do he would definitely be there. He was so sweet. I know it may seem weird for me to be so upset about this, but Baker always followed me everywhere. He loved to sleep wit me every night. He was always so tiny and calm. I miss this kitty so much! ='(  

                 R.I.P. Baker I love you <3

So these past few months so much has happened. It seems like every bad thing that can possibly happen has happened to us. We had to move out of our house on very short notice and the people were horrible, our AC broke in the other house, we had to give our dogs up, had to bomb the house of fleas, our rent was way more than they said, we barely have groceries, my job is horrible and I never get paid, Weve both been really sick many times and to the hospital and owe money still, I had surgery, my car door got smashed pretty bad, my car battery is dead and will not keep a charge, my kitty died, my other kitty might have the same disease, we didnt get to spend time with family on christmas, and so much more I cant even say. Could things get any worse? 

Christmas had a great meaning, but this just sucks.

We really need prayer from anyone and everyone were doing ok but things havent been good. Its so hard to stay on top of everything when it just seems like everything turns bad. My faith is good, but could be better after everything that has happened. I know that God will help us through this, I just had to get things off my chest. Thanks for listening.

Lots going on! Wedding ahhh!!!!!!!! =)

I know, its been a while since I've made a blog! I've been so busy its crazy! Getting wedding stuff done and its pretty stressful to say the least. Thanks to my AMAZING Aunt Alecia, things are getting better. She has been helping me so much with planning and buying and getting everything organized, I love her!!!!!!!!!!! and thanks to everyone who has helped out already or that is helping out now. I love all of you!

So 22 days until my wedding. WHERE DID THE TIME GO?! things are a bit crazy around the house. We are still trying to unpack since we have both been working so much lately. Its clean for the most part though. I hate my house being messy it upsets me and stresses me out more than i already am! Neil has been amazing when i get stressed though. He helps me destress which is nice when you have someone there to do that.

As far as working goes im actually getting somewhere with this lady! I'm being paid on time and the kids are getting better from being sick, which is nice.

We are trying to sell our 2002 Cadillac STS, too. We can be a 1 car family for a little bit and that would surely help us out with the wedding a little bit! Were sure we wont sell it until way after the wedding though. Its just too much for us to pay for right now. So if anyone wants a new car its pretty nice! in very good condition!

Have a great day everyone!

back to reality..

So my wedding is coming up soon and I had a BRILLIANT idea! Or, so I thought. I was looking at plane tickets today and, hoping to find a cheap one, I was actually in a good mood. I looked on all the website...where am I suppose to get $900 dollars for 2 people? I dont have a job, Im not married yet, and I have to pay for a wedding. Well...it was a good thought and a great dream but I cant get that kind of money. Im certainly going to try but I dont know. PRAY that I will get that money somehow! If I do my dream will come true!